Every now and then I feel that fear I felt not long ago. The repeated trauma of your selfish emotions. The triggers make me want to check off every list to make sure it's not true. Such a bad list that is, an untrustworthy list.. but can you blame me if I feel the need to protect myself? Maybe. Although the times have changed, no matter how far you've come the trauma deep down inside still can haunt you when you least expect it. I'm trying so hard no to give into those toxic habits of wanting to see what you have, do, or have done. I am not her and I never want to be this person. How do i overcome this? How do i fully trust someone who's dealt damage, eventhough they were just going through a predicament themselves.. is that an excuse? It's hard to overcome this. I'm working on it everyday. Honestly though, I'm still fearful. Seconding every other day if you've done something that'll hurt me. You have shown that you've consistently changed but how do I dive deep into that trust again? How do I stop these temptations to check that bad list? How do I allow myself to be happy? how.? how.? how.?
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