Every now and then I feel that fear I felt not long ago. The repeated trauma of your selfish emotions. The triggers make me want to check off every list to make sure it's not true. Such a bad list that is, an untrustworthy list.. but can you blame me if I feel the need to protect myself? Maybe. Although the times have changed, no matter how far you've come the trauma deep down inside still can haunt you when you least expect it. I'm trying so hard no to give into those toxic habits of wanting to see what you have, do, or have done. I am not her and I never want to be this person. How do i overcome this? How do i fully trust someone who's dealt damage, eventhough they were just going through a predicament themselves.. is that an excuse? It's hard to overcome this. I'm working on it everyday. Honestly though, I'm still fearful. Seconding every other day if you've done something that'll hurt me. You have shown that you've consistently changed but how do I dive deep into that trust again? How do I stop these temptations to check that bad list? How do I allow myself to be happy? how.? how.? how.?
Tuesday, January 21, 2020
A draft from 9/1/2019.
Dear _______.
I'll never understand why you abused me. I'll never understand why I wasn't good enough. I'll never understand how you could hurt someone so much and not feel sick about it. I gave you my 100% from start to finish. And through it all you cheated, abused, and manipulated me. You stripped me of everything. Things are so bad I've contemplated suicide too often for comfort. I keep having nightmares, panic attacks, and melt downs. So many things trigger me. I was so good to you. I loved you. I love you. I would've done anything for you and you walked all over me. You did things without my consent, you took my dignity, my strength, and my power. You took it all away. And to this day you laugh about it. meanwhile I can barely write this. You manipulated and abused me so badly that I'm afraid to be me. To love. To be social. I don't even want to live. You haunt me everyday. You are still eating away at my brain even when we are apart. How could you hurt someone who was so pure and loving to you. seriously I was so beautifully good to you. HOW COULD YOU!!!!!!! TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING LIVE
I'll never understand why you abused me. I'll never understand why I wasn't good enough. I'll never understand how you could hurt someone so much and not feel sick about it. I gave you my 100% from start to finish. And through it all you cheated, abused, and manipulated me. You stripped me of everything. Things are so bad I've contemplated suicide too often for comfort. I keep having nightmares, panic attacks, and melt downs. So many things trigger me. I was so good to you. I loved you. I love you. I would've done anything for you and you walked all over me. You did things without my consent, you took my dignity, my strength, and my power. You took it all away. And to this day you laugh about it. meanwhile I can barely write this. You manipulated and abused me so badly that I'm afraid to be me. To love. To be social. I don't even want to live. You haunt me everyday. You are still eating away at my brain even when we are apart. How could you hurt someone who was so pure and loving to you. seriously I was so beautifully good to you. HOW COULD YOU!!!!!!! TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING LIVE
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)