Depression

I am writing this in a state of bottled up emotion that has been longing to come out. I deal with depression, although it might not be severe it is still there, like a person that won't ever leave my side. I am thankful that i wasn't born with severe depression because i can barely deal with the amount of depression that i have already. I've had depression ever since i can remember and although you would probably never assume i am depressed i very much am. I find that i can only ever express myself on paper, i'm not very well with words whatsoever. That's why id never consider a therapist, i can't even express the love i have for my parents as well as my siblings. I lie to myself everyday; you're okay, you're just being overly emotional you'll get over it. I have no one to talk to, my parents aren't an option i've tried.. It is just something that is hidden under a rug in hopes that it'll go away. I don't even know the purpose of writing this. I do not want to come off as needy or attracting the wrong attention. The word depression is thrown around like it isn't a big deal. Also depression isn't seriously talked about. I will never be able to truly say how i feel and get my message across that depression is not a joke, it isn't something that easily goes away, i have searched and searched for ideas and tools to help me cope with my depression. i have tried everything that i could think of and here i am. Depression is affecting my life, i am getting worse and worse, i become negative so quickly and lash out for no reason, i become sad for the littlest things; (exaggerating) there's no more milk? *begins to cry* i will then start thinking the worst thoughts, and over what? There being no milk.? I make it my goal everyday to be positive, i want people to feel good. No one deserves to feel the way i do, and if i am able to make others happy and bring a smile upon their face i am more than fine with that. it gives me a sense of happiness. i wouldn't wish depression upon anyone. I often look at my surrounding and create scenarios of way to kill myself, i can't control it, i've tried to commit suicide in my past and those were times of extreme depression for me. I don't know anymore i'm running out of reasons to keep going, I need help. I really do. i'm giving up you guys. I have no one to help me go in the right direction.