hey mom, I'm not sure if you'll ever read this, but it's about time that I express how I truly feel about you. I know that I push you away and I never tell you much about what goes on in my life. I always sugar coat things. I am constantly telling myself things and I play out these scenarios in my mind where I just go up to you and tell you how much I love you. But I never do it. I'm afraid mom, I really really don't know why, I don't understand why I can't express how I truly feel. It's this indescribable pain that I endure. You make it seem so easy, but I choke on every word in attempts to say them to you. When you and I are talking you have no idea how much I am talking to myself in my head, continuously responding to you in my mind telling you things that I dream about telling you. I have this fake conversation with you in my head, but the words that actually come out of my mouth are so vague and it's not me. I feel like my true self is trapped inside my head and I play this role that I hate so much. I cause you so much pain mom, I'm so sorry.. I'm so sorry. I adore and look up to you so much you wouldn't believe it. Like the time I finally came out to you, I was seriously jumping with joy in my head like I just overcome this huge obstacle that I've been wanting to conquer. I want to have those bonding moments with you. I want to talk about girly things and have fun with you, I feel like this prisoner in my own head, I just can't be myself I don't know why!!!!!! I swear to you, that I love you with all of my heart, I love you more than anyone else on this planet, mom you are my world. There are so many nights where I just wish I could lay with you and be this loving daughter. Those times in the morning when I would lay in bed with you for a while before school. It's never really because I want some extra sleep, I just secretly enjoy those moments where I lay next to you and I feel close to you for a little while. Even if I'm laying on the other side of the bed... I just picture myself laying next to you. And sometimes I do actually hug you and lay with you and that takes me so much to do. Mom, you're the strongest person I know, and you're so wise and beautiful. I've always been so proud to call you my mom and I know you don't believe that but it's true. You always have been my hero. And I don't know why I cause you this much agony mom. I want to rip out my fucking hair because of it. I don't understand why I treat you the way I do mom, I'm so sorry, I want to be there for you, I want to talk about my day, about your day. You know all the normal things.. I really do love you, sometimes when we're talking and the conversation is about to end I picture myself just hugging you and telling you thank you for everything. For all that you do for me. You break your back for me, and I cry at night by myself just thinking about it and that I never say thank you or sorry for when I hurt your feelings. Im so lost, and I'm scared. I don't want to lose you mom, you're all I have. I know I don't deserve someone like you. You're so kind hearted and you care so much for others and I make you feel so dumb for being that way when I really look up to you. I don't know why I feel the need to be so mean and act all tough. When I'm really just this soft and emotional person inside. I wish you were here by my side to hold me and tell me everything is okay, and that you understand and that it's okay, you'll never forgive me for treating you this way and I'll never forgive myself. I've wasted all this precious time by treating you poorly. You deserve to be so happy and I want to give you that before it's to late because if I don't make things right before you die I don't know how I'll be able to live with myself. I can't imagine a world without you in it. I love you mom. I hope I'll make things right, I want to be better, I've always wanted that. I swear I'll do my best from now on.. just please bare with me, don't leave me. Please don't leave me..
